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February 3, 2012 / jamiedayton

1 month

Baby Girl turned 1 month yesterday. I still can’t believe I have a daughter. She is pretty easy for the most part, we are still trying to figure out a schedule and the boys adore her! The boys however are taking full advantage of my inaccessibility and have taken to making very large messes.

I always heard that after three is isn’t any different, I have to say having the fourth baby has been much harder than when I had boy #3, but looking back I had full-time help back then, I had a friend who practically lived with me and helped all the time, and the two older boys where going to school 3 days a week. THAT makes a huge difference to now, where I am homeschooling all the boys, I have not had a  maid/helper constant since October and All though I have THE BEST FRIENDS IN THE WORLD, they all have children of their own to take care of and therefore can not be my “help”. I am getting the hang of it slowly but schooling and the house have really taken a hit.  (before you get all crazy saying how you do it without a maid let me say my Husband works 80 hours a week, that is 6 days a week at 12 hours and an 8 hour day, He is not around to help so I have to hire it, people! And I live in Kuwait, my mom can’t just come over to relieve me, the parks are less than desirable and the driving is atrocious.)

I guess I will get it all together one day….

I am so thankful for a loving Father who is full of grace and has an open door policy, I find ,myself knocking quite a bit more lately

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January 12, 2012 / jamiedayton

The Birth

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;    your works are wonderful,    I know that full well.  Psalm 139:14

WOW, is all I can say, it was CRAZY….

Some women labour like they are running a marathon, slow and steady, and then there are women like me who’s labour is like the 100 meter dash, fast and furious.
Being that this was the 4th time my body had run this race it came off the start line easy and went straight into over drive and was ready to hit the finish line before I even knew the race had begun.

The week leading up to her birth

was, well, difficult, not because I was uncomfortable, but for some reason I just expected her to come early (being the 4th and all) and when she didn’t come I would get angry, my emotions where uncontrollable and I was close to locking myself up as to not cause pain or harm to others.

The Day before

January 1st 2012. The pressure of having her in 2011 and getting the tax break and not having to pay an out-of-pocket pay with insurance was gone. I went grocery shopping (by myself, thanks Hugh) and was in a GOOD mood, I didn’t curse under my breath at any one (forgive me Lord) not even the drivers I encountered on the road (this is a miracle in Kuwait believe me).  I had a really good day.

Hugh had the 31st and 1st off and I was hoping she would come while he was home so I wouldn’t have to worry about him getting home in time or how I was going to get to the hospital with out him. All day little miss was pretty quite and I was actually going to go in if she didn’t move soon, but when it came time to go to bed, she did some MAJOR movements and I guess it was her getting ready for her journey to the outside.

The Day of

I woke up at about 3:30 am on the 2nd, with some cramping, and laid there wondering if I should tell Hugh not to go to work (he leaves at 5). I laid there about 20 minutes just trying to decide if these where real or not (I didn’t want to go to the hospital not in real labor, although here in Kuwait they would have admitted me and just induced, but I really didn’t want that either, or I would have done it before 2012).

about 4 AM I got up and sent a text to my very good friend Michelle telling her I thought I might be in labor and that after I took a shower I would let her know if I needed her to come over to keep an eye out on the boys.

The shower

It felt heavenly I was able to rock and sway and pray through each contraction which where pretty manageable, but once I realized I was enjoying it a little too much I thought I better get out now, I DO NOT WANT A BABY IN THE CAR.  I got out and sent another text to Michelle asking her to head over (text times: 4:05 AM with heads up, 4:26 AM with the head on over). I told Hugh to call in and tell them he wouldn’t be coming to work. He got in the shower while I laboured a bit in the living room turning on lights and unlocking doors waiting for Michelle to arrive.  After she got here she seemed a bit confused as to why we where so calm and not leaving yet (aka running around frantic). Hugh was just getting out of the shower and getting our stuff together to load into the car. She asked how far apart my contractions where. Honestly I had NO idea, I hadn’t been timing them at all. “I don’t know” I said, maybe 3 minutes. “???” Was her expression, “that is really close Jamie you aren’t going to have time for an epidural” “don’t say such things”I tell her. Hugh says “Oh we have plenty of time”.  HA… I mean I actually thought so to, I still wasn’t sure I was really in labour and I definitely wasn’t out of control yet so I must have time.  I didn’t lose control until about 5 cm with the other pregnancies so I must still have a lot of time (if it was really labour) right?

The epidural

2 of the last 3 pregnancies I have “tried” to go natural with out the epidural. #1 and #3, I “failed” at about 5-6 cm mark both times.  With #2 I knew I didn’t want to go through any of the pain like I did with #1 so I got the epidural at the first sign of really uncontrollable pain and had the most quiet relaxing birth experience.

This time around I had a hard time deciding, knowing this is most likely our last child, I wanted to try again,but at the same time I kept telling myself I wouldn’t be able to do it so I might as well just enjoy it and get an epidural early.   I remember a few weeks prior having some prodromal labour that was quite painful and telling myself that real labour is much worse so just get the epi.  So as these contractions where starting to get to where I had to pause through them a lot more I decided let’s go so I can get that epidural.  However, I also remember I had prayed a few weeks prior, Lord your will be done, if I shouldn’t get the epidural then make it so that I can’t (be careful what you pray for!)

The car ride

I had a dream about a month prior that I delivered this little girl in the car just outside the hospital.  Traffic can be terrible if you hit it at the wrong time those times are in the evenings and school mornings. The hospital is normally about 20 to 30 minutes away with out traffic. With it, it can take over and hour to get there. I did not want to have this baby in the car, it was the one thing I feared most and prayed continually over, surrendering that fear to the Lord and begging Him to not let that happen, another prayer answered.  Had Hugh left for work and I had to wait on him to get home we would have hit school traffic and not made it to the hospital in time. We left the house about 5 AM.

I always listen to Seeds Family Worship cd’s in the car.  Believe me you need Jesus with you when driving here and it is a great way to memorize the Word and it is good music. But this time it was so different, as I would have a contraction and just meditate on the scripture that was being sung at the moment it really settled into my heart more than ever before. I was able to get through each contraction so easily with God there, reassuring me that I was “fearfully and wonderfully made” He created me to bear children, my body is completely efficient in bringing life into this world, He made me for this! I love God!
I remember the contractions starting to slow down (really a blessing being I was in the car and it was extremely uncomfortable) but each time I would look at the clock and think Oh no they are slowing down I am not really in labour. It was tortious really, my mind battling the blessings from God, plus I now realize I was entering transition.

We finally got to the hospital parking lot and I told myself I just have to make it up to the 5th floor. Then the relief of a needle in my back will be given to me. I walked in and made my way to the elevator and into the triage room all in complete control, but lost it shortly after that.

The hospital

We arrived about 5:20, Once there I began demanding the epidural immediately, the poor nurse was just trying to do her job, I hadn’t even been checked to see if I was really in labour, but I knew I was running out of time, and was not willing to be very patient with her or anyone for that matter.  In each of my births I have this part where I hit about 8 centimeters and my body begins bearing down on its own to get baby low enough to finish the dilation process and begin pushing. I felt it coming and tried to convey to the nurse and midwife on call that I knew things are about to start moving fast and please (well maybe not so nicely) call the anesthesiologist to come bring me what I want. However, I forgot about needing the bag of fluids first (God didn’t) So after a lot of reluctance about laying down to check me (seriously laying down when in labour is the hardest and most painful thing to do) It was determined I was 7-8 centimeters. The midwife tells me she doesn’t think there is enough time for an epidural and they begin to move quickly (I think the first sign that I wasn’t playing around should have been the fact that I began undressing before they even closed the curtains and telling the nurse to get me gown.)

I was quickly wheeled into my room about 5:35, and moved (again very reluctantly) into another bed where I was asked to lay down but I was not going to do that again so I had Hugh sit the bed up, “I will stay in your bed but I am going to sit” All while begging Lord Jesus to help me VERY loudly in the middle of a Muslim country, hospital and staff, (did I mention they where muslim?) I am not ashamed either.

Hugh remembered the gas (nitrous oxide) and asked if I could have it, again I was reluctant because I know how tired that stuff makes me and didn’t want to be tired right then. But I did take it and it did calm me down to where I could focus again. By this time they where just getting the IV in and I was feeling  the baby move down, My body was all ready pushing her out and I didn’t want to. The Dr was still not there and I wanted an epidural. I asked for a shot of narcotic and then continued to pray for the Lords help. Hugh asked how he could help and I just asked him to pray over me, he was such a huge help! He tells me God is helping me. I hear in my head “6:05”, I look at Hugh’s watch and it is 5:55 AM.

I was laid back to be checked, water was still in tact and bulging, the Dr arrives, comes in and checks to see where I was. I was complete, he asks for an amnio hook to break my water, after I beg for him not to as this will cause more pain, but he broke the water bag anyway and I began to push, One VERY LONG PUSH and there she was born at 6:05 and laid on my stomach in all her beauty. I unfortunately had not even had time to comprehend all that had just happened, I mean I was crying saying no I don’t want to push her out with out and epidural, then something clicked in me, saying, I have to just do it so I bore down with all I had and pushed, the dr told me to slow down as I was ripping but I didn’t care,  I was not stopping now.

It all happened so fast we didn’t even have time to take the camera out and get pictures, so all are after the fact.   Looking back I am so thankful that God gave me what I truly wanted and that it was so wonderful.

He is so good.

And I am so in love with my little girl.

samuel loves his baby

Finally a sister!

Michael is so in love and proud!

now we are 6

just born

January 7, 2012 / jamiedayton

I Have A Daughter

April 3, 2011 / jamiedayton

Wanting a Miracle

Now Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.  Hebrews 11:1

I have not posted anything in almost a month. Not for lack of trying and definitely not for a lack of words. Just a lack of time.  I have about 4 drafts sitting in my dashboard waiting to be finished. But it is that time thing. I just don’t have it. This last month, really two months have been such a roller coaster and I don’t see it slowing down to let me off any time soon.

I will start with February. On the 16th I found out I was pregnant and expecting my 4th child, I was nervous to say the least, FOUR? I didn’t know if  I was even handling the 3, I had, well. But I was SO, SO excited and happy. The thought of 4 boys or possibly a little girl, filled my heart with such joy. I couldn’t help but thank God for blessing me and trusting me with another one of His amazing children. 

Being the tad bit obsessive person that I am, I used a lot of pregnancy test, I just love to see that line show up indicating that there is a small MIRACLE growing inside me. But a week after finding out I was pregnant, I noticed the lines becoming less visible until it was gone, a test now telling me I was not pregnant, So I went to the Dr and had blood drawn. The levels where at a 10, which some Dr’s will tell you is a negative result. We did and ultrasound and saw where the baby had attached but did not continue to grow. I went home heart-broken but hopeful. I had not started bleeding yet and I have a very faithful, amazing God who can work MIRACLES. I prayed, I prayed for that MIRACLE.  I prayed that things would turn around, that my numbers would start to go up and not down, that I would return in a week to see that a baby was indeed growing inside me, on that little screen.  I believed(and still do) That God can do this, that He can perform MIRACLES and that, if, He so willed it, it would be. I pleaded, I fought, I cried and I praised, asking for Him to do this MIRACLE, but then ended it, but your will be done

Just as Jesus sat in the garden that prophecy fulfilling night, pleading with His Father, “let this cup pass me, but your will be done“,  He knew what God’s will was, but he asked anyway.  I too, knew God’s will but continued to ask for a MIRACLE.  I wanted Him to change His will to meet my wants. I cried out to Him, yelling, telling Him “This isn’t what I want, none the less, Your will be done.”

I began bleeding on the 27th of February and knew that the pregnancy was over….

I know that He know’s best, I know He has a plan,  I know that He can see a much bigger picture than I can and I know that it is not about me, but about Him and His Glory.  I tried to justify my wants to be a “great plan” for His glory, If God would work this MIRACLE, Oh the glory that would come to Him, the praises that would be said to Him. But it was still what I was wanting, not His will, He doesn’t need me to tell Him how He can receive praise and Glory, He all ready knows, and He has done such a good job at creating and fulfilling, that  my so-called “good ideas” are mere cow dung compared to His. So I got up off the floor, wiped my tears and praised a God who gives and takes away.

I don’t know why God’s plan was to take this child from me, I know it is not my place to know, nor to ask. He is God.  He has a plan and works all things for His good and His glory and I trust and believe that, with all that I am. Maybe one day I will see that plan work out and maybe I won’t. But I know it will, because He promised and He keeps his promises.

SO… I moved on, I let Him comfort me and hold me and moved on……

 Then March came.

I have a friend who moved here just 6 short months ago, I kind of brought her into my world to help her adjust. I remember first moving to this foreign country with foreign languages and foreign religious beliefs and lifestyles, a world without Jesus, I was lost. I had one small child at the time and no idea how to raise him without all the comforts and fancy playgrounds of America. Once I got to a place of meeting people and into a church body that is absolutely amazing, I asked the Lord to help me help the young women who come here, like me, lost and unsure. He led me to begin a bible study for young moms and He equipped me with knowledge of all that is needed to get around here and to help these women transition and feel “at home”. 

She was one who came in and didn’t let the loneliness of the sand and colorless world get her down.  She is full of The Spirit and an amazingly strong woman.  She bares her battle wounds but doesn’t let them define her. She quickly became a sister to me.

She has two little boys close in age to my older two and they all get along so well (you know what I mean, some times you love some one but your children and her children just don’t mesh well).  She found out after just one month of being here that she was pregnant with her third child.

I don’t want to tell her story, I hope that one day she will do that all on her own, I want to tell my part of it, how it has completely changed me.

Living in a foreign country you just never know what kind of care you are going to get, Her OB was one I recommended and the same one who delivered boys #2 and #3. I felt he was competent and a very well-educated Dr. I think he is Muslim, but he never imparted those beliefs, if he is. 

Her pregnancy was rough from the beginning, at 19 weeks 3 days her water broke.  She knew the risks, but put all her faith and hope in the one who saves. Instantly my heart felt peace and I thought knew that this time would be different, God would work the MIRACLE this time, He had too.

I went as far as telling the Dr. that we have a mighty God, his reply was “yes, it would be a MIRACLE”, I believe my friend responded to him with ” I have faith in a God who works MIRACLES” to which he replied ” Then I will take a picture of that baby, hang it on my wall and worship it” I said “No, you will worship Jesus”.

Bold words were spoken and the battle was on.  MY God against your god.  Just like Elijah and the followers of baal (1 Kings 18:20-39).   I had the altar all set up the water had been poured, I said my speech….. But the fire never came.

Why? Where was my MIRACLE? How could this have happened? I thought for sure “God would pull through” on this one.– It’s simpleGod told Elijah to do these things and He would take care of it. Just as Abraham went up to sacrifice Isaac, his promised son to carry on his seed (Genesis 22), God told him to and so God provided at the end. But the very difference here is God told them to. Here I am telling God.  I am setting Him up for success, I am saying look, you can be made great, I have it all worked out for you.  You could really reach this nation if you did this. For just $19.99 you can use my services to get your product out to this market, you can make a killing, GUARANTEED!  Thing is,  that is not how it works.  He is the one who sets it up for me, He is the one who works it all out, He is the one who does. not me.  Yes I know God had/has His hand on this situation, I know He cares deeply for my friend and I have no doubt that He is holding her right now as she and her family enter this new season of life.  But, at that moment I did have to remind myself of it. I was okay with Him not saving my baby, I was okay with Him not giving me my MIRACLE, But I was having a hard time with Him not doing this one. For her, For me. I don’t want you to think this is about me, it isn’t, what she is going through is something I can’t comprehend, But my Saviour can and does and really it is all about Him.  It will always be.  He is and was and will always be. I am just like the flower that withers and dies, He will last forever.

Do I believe that God works MIRACLES today, absolutely. Do I believe He wanted to do this MIRACLE, of course. I know it breaks His heart to see any of his children in such pain and agony. But, He has a plan, He knows what is best and He works all things out for that. This was not to be. He could have, but what would have been the result of something that wasn’t supposed to be?  Remember the story of Hezekiah? (Isaiah 38, 2 Kings 20) He asked for more years and the Lord gave him 15 more, but the result was his son, Manasseh, being born who was evil (2 kings 21). Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t think that If God had allowed either of these babies to live they would have been evil, but I might have missed the opportunity to do something great for the Kingdom of God if I didn’t have the experience of loss.  Imagine how devastating life would be today if God had told Jesus, yes, I will let this cup pass and just brought Him back up to His throne without dying and rising first.  A life without hope, without a chance of salvation, with out the promise of eternal life, stuck in the bondage of sin and The Law.   God knows what is ahead, I don’t, so I trust that His will is best and His will be done.

Who do I think I am? as you can tell I have a bit of control issues.  I kept hearing the Lord, It is about me, focus on Me,  I have it in control, you don’t need to. 

 So what am I trying to say???? I don’t even know. God has brought me through a lot, and it is all for His glory, He is teaching me and molding me. I am being refined in His fire and I hope to come out looking more like Him, but man oh man is it painful.

I could go down the road of asking why, and some people will, Why didn’t He save them? I don’t know. Why weren’t our prayers heard? I know they were. Why didn’t He answer our prayers? How do we know He didn’t? We don’t know what the outcome would have been if we hadn’t of prayed. I do believe God heard, and answered, they where just answered in the way He wanted not me.  A great quote is from Corrie Ten Boom in her book Hiding place.

“And so seated next to my father in the train compartment, I suddenly asked, “Father, what is sexsin?”
He turned to look at me, as he always did when answering a question, but to my surprise he said nothing. At last he stood up, lifted his traveling case off the floor and set it on the floor.
Will you carry it off the train, Corrie?” he said.
I stood up and tugged at it. It was crammed with the watches and spare parts he had purchased that morning.
It’s too heavy,” I said.
Yes,” he said, “and it would be a pretty poor father who would ask his little girl to carry such a load. It’s the same way, Corrie, with knowledge. Some knowledge is too heavy for children. When you are older and stronger, you can bear it. For now you must trust me to carry it for you.” – Corrie Ten Boom (The Hiding Place)

The same is from our Heavenly Father, We must trust Him to carry these heavy loads for us.  I do, I trust He knows best, I know He loves me. I wanted a MIRACLE, and I have faith that a MIRACLE did happen, just not the MIRACLE I wanted.

“We don’t have to figure out how God will bring good, we just have to stay on the journey with Him and watch Him work.” Lysa TerKeurst

March 7, 2011 / jamiedayton

Long-suffering

Long-suffering: adj. Having or showing patience in spite of troubles, especially those caused by other people. (Oxford Dictionary of English)

In The Bible,KJV, the word Longsuffering is used 17 times and is translated from 4 different words.
In the Hebrew it is translated from

‘arek– and ‘aph.

In the Greek it is translated from

makrothymia and

makrothymeō

The Greek word makrothymeo is used in the well-known verse about love in 1 Corinthians 13:4 Charity (love) sufferth long, (and) is kind……

The Greek word makrothymia is used in the verse I quoted earlier about the fruits of the Spirit. Galatians 5:22 (Who..)

I often read these two verses and think WOW I am totally missing the mark. Do I have long-suffering with my children?  Especially on those days that they are particularly hard-headed? What about with my husband?  When he has had a long day at work and comes home with high expectations of what home will be like that night and it is anything but, and his disappointment shines through, do I show him Makrothymeo?  Unfortunately most of the time my answers would be NO.

I want to, Oh Lord how I want to.  Sometimes I have more Makrothymeo, for strangers and acquaintances then I do for the people I Love more than anything in this world.  That is disheartening to me.  I allow the enemy to just walk on in and sit for coffee.

What about with friends or people who you considered friends and they abused and used you up until you had no more?  Do you continue to show them makrothymia?   I have had more “friends” like this then I can count, and so many times I just want to write them off and tell them what they can do with their so-called friendship.  But is that being makrothymia?

This is constantly a struggle as it is completely NOT my nature. Patience is something that was lost when my second son arrived and started to become just like me his own person. He is so full of energy and completely opposite of his older brother.  I admit I thought I had it all down, how to be the good best mom. I was calm, patient, caring, understanding……. I never once thought the reason I had it all together was because I had the most laid back little boy in the universe.  Seriously at 15 months I would only see him when we wanted to nurse for some contact time or for naps. He was completely self-sufficient in his entertainment needs, he rarely got into anything once I had told him no (the first time), he NEVER EVER threw a tantrum or fit EVER, the list could go on.  Boy was I in for a rude awakening.   Along came #2 and my image as a mother was shattered along with my phones, books, and anything else that got into his little hands.  This boy was nick named “Bam Bam” at the age of 1 by his grandfather when we where visiting and #2 cracked the face of grandpa’s watch.  He still breaks everything he touches (mostly his older brothers cool toys and gadgets) and can get me to scream faster than the take off of an Indy Car.  I think the anger came in and patience left when my self-made image of being the perfect mother was lost. 

I know that God created me in His image (Genisis 1:27) , I know that He created me to be their mother (Psalm 139 :13-16; Jeremiah 29:11; Romans 8:28, Ephesians 1:11, 2:10).  I just have a hard time being the mother He created me to be on a daily basis. The makrothymeo is lost, buried in so much disappointment and laundry.  Thank God for grace!  And new beginnings.

I now believe that this is something that has to be taught and worked on, it is not something we are born with the ability to do (despite my previous assumption that I was) I realize I was just fooling myself.  Only God can help us with this.  It is, after all, one of the fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22) therefore we must have the Spirit in us in order to bear His fruit.

More of You Lord and less of me….. My mantra.

March 6, 2011 / jamiedayton

How….

How do I expect My children to have a relationship with Jesus, to choose Him, to Love Him, If we (My husband and I) don’t demonstrate this in our home? If we aren’t reflecting that in our lives, they will never get it, they will struggle with it and may even turn away from Him. We can’t just talk about Jesus, say a few prayers and go to sleep thinking they are going to accept Him as their saviour one day. If they continually see our anger, disappointment from our day, bickering, discontent and loneliness; then hear us tell them how good God is, that He loves us, and hears our prayers. They will never believe it, or us.

I cry at night at how we (I) fail them. I want Them to see the Fruits of the spirit in ME (us). Love, Joy, Peace, Longsuffering, Gentleness, Goodness, Faith (Galatians 5:22). I want to live it for them so that they see and KNOW that God is real, He DOES Love us and care for us, our needs, our situation.
Pray along with me in agreement for these things
Lord, I come to you a sinner, fallen and broken, but by your grace I am redeemed, whole and new. Lord I ask for you to convict me of my wrong doings so that I may repent and be made new, I ask for Your Spirit to fill me and produce It’s fruit abundantly so that it overflows from me into my home, my husband and my children. Bless me Lord with your supernatural LOVE, JOY, PEACE, LONGSUFFERING, GENTLENESS, GOODNESS, and FAITH. So that I can share and teach these things to those whom you have entrusted their care to me. I claim these in your Holy and mighty name Lord, Jesus; Amen.

March 6, 2011 / jamiedayton

But

Why is there always a BUT? I am really starting to hate that word.

I can remember as a child there was always a BUT.   Dad “you did a great job at _________ BUT, you could have done this better, should have done this instead……..” in other words, you really didn’t do that great, it could have been good, would have been good if you had done xyz.

I still hear it today, husband “I am sorry about getting mad, BUT _________” .  So you really aren’t sorry, you would be sorry if  ________ was to change? 

I find my self saying it to the boys. I HATE it. I am consciously making the effort to silence my mouth every time the word BUT starts to form. There is no But it either is or isn’t.

God loves us with and unconditional love, NO BUT’s. I am going to love like that. NO MORE BUT’s