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April 3, 2011 / jamiedayton

Wanting a Miracle

Now Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.  Hebrews 11:1

I have not posted anything in almost a month. Not for lack of trying and definitely not for a lack of words. Just a lack of time.  I have about 4 drafts sitting in my dashboard waiting to be finished. But it is that time thing. I just don’t have it. This last month, really two months have been such a roller coaster and I don’t see it slowing down to let me off any time soon.

I will start with February. On the 16th I found out I was pregnant and expecting my 4th child, I was nervous to say the least, FOUR? I didn’t know if  I was even handling the 3, I had, well. But I was SO, SO excited and happy. The thought of 4 boys or possibly a little girl, filled my heart with such joy. I couldn’t help but thank God for blessing me and trusting me with another one of His amazing children. 

Being the tad bit obsessive person that I am, I used a lot of pregnancy test, I just love to see that line show up indicating that there is a small MIRACLE growing inside me. But a week after finding out I was pregnant, I noticed the lines becoming less visible until it was gone, a test now telling me I was not pregnant, So I went to the Dr and had blood drawn. The levels where at a 10, which some Dr’s will tell you is a negative result. We did and ultrasound and saw where the baby had attached but did not continue to grow. I went home heart-broken but hopeful. I had not started bleeding yet and I have a very faithful, amazing God who can work MIRACLES. I prayed, I prayed for that MIRACLE.  I prayed that things would turn around, that my numbers would start to go up and not down, that I would return in a week to see that a baby was indeed growing inside me, on that little screen.  I believed(and still do) That God can do this, that He can perform MIRACLES and that, if, He so willed it, it would be. I pleaded, I fought, I cried and I praised, asking for Him to do this MIRACLE, but then ended it, but your will be done

Just as Jesus sat in the garden that prophecy fulfilling night, pleading with His Father, “let this cup pass me, but your will be done“,  He knew what God’s will was, but he asked anyway.  I too, knew God’s will but continued to ask for a MIRACLE.  I wanted Him to change His will to meet my wants. I cried out to Him, yelling, telling Him “This isn’t what I want, none the less, Your will be done.”

I began bleeding on the 27th of February and knew that the pregnancy was over….

I know that He know’s best, I know He has a plan,  I know that He can see a much bigger picture than I can and I know that it is not about me, but about Him and His Glory.  I tried to justify my wants to be a “great plan” for His glory, If God would work this MIRACLE, Oh the glory that would come to Him, the praises that would be said to Him. But it was still what I was wanting, not His will, He doesn’t need me to tell Him how He can receive praise and Glory, He all ready knows, and He has done such a good job at creating and fulfilling, that  my so-called “good ideas” are mere cow dung compared to His. So I got up off the floor, wiped my tears and praised a God who gives and takes away.

I don’t know why God’s plan was to take this child from me, I know it is not my place to know, nor to ask. He is God.  He has a plan and works all things for His good and His glory and I trust and believe that, with all that I am. Maybe one day I will see that plan work out and maybe I won’t. But I know it will, because He promised and He keeps his promises.

SO… I moved on, I let Him comfort me and hold me and moved on……

 Then March came.

I have a friend who moved here just 6 short months ago, I kind of brought her into my world to help her adjust. I remember first moving to this foreign country with foreign languages and foreign religious beliefs and lifestyles, a world without Jesus, I was lost. I had one small child at the time and no idea how to raise him without all the comforts and fancy playgrounds of America. Once I got to a place of meeting people and into a church body that is absolutely amazing, I asked the Lord to help me help the young women who come here, like me, lost and unsure. He led me to begin a bible study for young moms and He equipped me with knowledge of all that is needed to get around here and to help these women transition and feel “at home”. 

She was one who came in and didn’t let the loneliness of the sand and colorless world get her down.  She is full of The Spirit and an amazingly strong woman.  She bares her battle wounds but doesn’t let them define her. She quickly became a sister to me.

She has two little boys close in age to my older two and they all get along so well (you know what I mean, some times you love some one but your children and her children just don’t mesh well).  She found out after just one month of being here that she was pregnant with her third child.

I don’t want to tell her story, I hope that one day she will do that all on her own, I want to tell my part of it, how it has completely changed me.

Living in a foreign country you just never know what kind of care you are going to get, Her OB was one I recommended and the same one who delivered boys #2 and #3. I felt he was competent and a very well-educated Dr. I think he is Muslim, but he never imparted those beliefs, if he is. 

Her pregnancy was rough from the beginning, at 19 weeks 3 days her water broke.  She knew the risks, but put all her faith and hope in the one who saves. Instantly my heart felt peace and I thought knew that this time would be different, God would work the MIRACLE this time, He had too.

I went as far as telling the Dr. that we have a mighty God, his reply was “yes, it would be a MIRACLE”, I believe my friend responded to him with ” I have faith in a God who works MIRACLES” to which he replied ” Then I will take a picture of that baby, hang it on my wall and worship it” I said “No, you will worship Jesus”.

Bold words were spoken and the battle was on.  MY God against your god.  Just like Elijah and the followers of baal (1 Kings 18:20-39).   I had the altar all set up the water had been poured, I said my speech….. But the fire never came.

Why? Where was my MIRACLE? How could this have happened? I thought for sure “God would pull through” on this one.– It’s simpleGod told Elijah to do these things and He would take care of it. Just as Abraham went up to sacrifice Isaac, his promised son to carry on his seed (Genesis 22), God told him to and so God provided at the end. But the very difference here is God told them to. Here I am telling God.  I am setting Him up for success, I am saying look, you can be made great, I have it all worked out for you.  You could really reach this nation if you did this. For just $19.99 you can use my services to get your product out to this market, you can make a killing, GUARANTEED!  Thing is,  that is not how it works.  He is the one who sets it up for me, He is the one who works it all out, He is the one who does. not me.  Yes I know God had/has His hand on this situation, I know He cares deeply for my friend and I have no doubt that He is holding her right now as she and her family enter this new season of life.  But, at that moment I did have to remind myself of it. I was okay with Him not saving my baby, I was okay with Him not giving me my MIRACLE, But I was having a hard time with Him not doing this one. For her, For me. I don’t want you to think this is about me, it isn’t, what she is going through is something I can’t comprehend, But my Saviour can and does and really it is all about Him.  It will always be.  He is and was and will always be. I am just like the flower that withers and dies, He will last forever.

Do I believe that God works MIRACLES today, absolutely. Do I believe He wanted to do this MIRACLE, of course. I know it breaks His heart to see any of his children in such pain and agony. But, He has a plan, He knows what is best and He works all things out for that. This was not to be. He could have, but what would have been the result of something that wasn’t supposed to be?  Remember the story of Hezekiah? (Isaiah 38, 2 Kings 20) He asked for more years and the Lord gave him 15 more, but the result was his son, Manasseh, being born who was evil (2 kings 21). Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t think that If God had allowed either of these babies to live they would have been evil, but I might have missed the opportunity to do something great for the Kingdom of God if I didn’t have the experience of loss.  Imagine how devastating life would be today if God had told Jesus, yes, I will let this cup pass and just brought Him back up to His throne without dying and rising first.  A life without hope, without a chance of salvation, with out the promise of eternal life, stuck in the bondage of sin and The Law.   God knows what is ahead, I don’t, so I trust that His will is best and His will be done.

Who do I think I am? as you can tell I have a bit of control issues.  I kept hearing the Lord, It is about me, focus on Me,  I have it in control, you don’t need to. 

 So what am I trying to say???? I don’t even know. God has brought me through a lot, and it is all for His glory, He is teaching me and molding me. I am being refined in His fire and I hope to come out looking more like Him, but man oh man is it painful.

I could go down the road of asking why, and some people will, Why didn’t He save them? I don’t know. Why weren’t our prayers heard? I know they were. Why didn’t He answer our prayers? How do we know He didn’t? We don’t know what the outcome would have been if we hadn’t of prayed. I do believe God heard, and answered, they where just answered in the way He wanted not me.  A great quote is from Corrie Ten Boom in her book Hiding place.

“And so seated next to my father in the train compartment, I suddenly asked, “Father, what is sexsin?”
He turned to look at me, as he always did when answering a question, but to my surprise he said nothing. At last he stood up, lifted his traveling case off the floor and set it on the floor.
Will you carry it off the train, Corrie?” he said.
I stood up and tugged at it. It was crammed with the watches and spare parts he had purchased that morning.
It’s too heavy,” I said.
Yes,” he said, “and it would be a pretty poor father who would ask his little girl to carry such a load. It’s the same way, Corrie, with knowledge. Some knowledge is too heavy for children. When you are older and stronger, you can bear it. For now you must trust me to carry it for you.” – Corrie Ten Boom (The Hiding Place)

The same is from our Heavenly Father, We must trust Him to carry these heavy loads for us.  I do, I trust He knows best, I know He loves me. I wanted a MIRACLE, and I have faith that a MIRACLE did happen, just not the MIRACLE I wanted.

“We don’t have to figure out how God will bring good, we just have to stay on the journey with Him and watch Him work.” Lysa TerKeurst

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7 Comments

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  1. Stephanie Ayers / Apr 3 2011 7:08 pm

    Thanks Jamie… I needed some spiritual food. Sometimes I need to be reminded of the little miracles in our lives and the many blessings. It’s so easy to get complacent and forget that our Lord see’s all and hears all and knows when we’re on top of things and when we’re deep in darkness. It’s comforting to know he has plans for me and for you and I’m so grateful and blessed to have you in my life. Even if your miles away seems your right here with me… having some coffee and fellowship. When I read your words I feel your company. Thanks my dear friend. I look forward to more conversations.

  2. Jaci Hibshman / Apr 3 2011 10:35 pm

    Jamie,

    I am so sorry for your loss and your friend’s loss! You are right, it is not ours to question why, but to accept God’s plan for us – which is extrememly difficult at times like these. God will provide comfort through these tough times if you let Him. Time will eventually ease the pain but who knows how long it will take. Only God knows. Note that I did not say your pain will go away completely. I think you will always carry something special for that little bundle in Heaven. May God be with you and comfort you during this difficult trial in you life.

    Love in Christ,
    Jaci Hibshman

  3. Chandra / Jan 5 2012 9:38 pm

    Jamie,

    I just found your blog. Because your beautiful daughter has been born. So I came to read it and I see that your last entry was from April and its about Miracles. And now you’ve just had one. God was listening, as you know he was, all along. He’s given you such a blessing…. to you, his faithful one. Reading over your other entries, I have found inspiration and reminders and comfort. Thank you. I wish I had slowed down a bit more in Kuwait to really savor God’s message and the friends he was sending me. I look forward to hearing more about your beautiful family and I want to know just how much those three little boys love and adore their sister.

    Love,
    Chandra

  4. LiAna / Apr 4 2012 10:53 pm

    Jamie,

    I just want to let you know that I love you! My miracle was having you by my side when we lost Benjamin. L, LiAna

    • jamiedayton / Jun 3 2012 1:17 pm

      LiAna- You amaze me, your strength through it all is something I will hold onto forever. I am just glad that the Lord let me be apart of your story! I love you.

  5. creationscience4kids / Jun 12 2012 3:12 am

    Your posts expresses a lot of the thoughts I’ve had about why God doesn’t always intervene. I lost a baby early this February, but God used my emptiness to push me into the blogging world. I pray He has another little one for me to raise soon, but it’s His call, I’m the handmaiden, not the boss.
    Every once in a while God works a miracle to bring people to acknowledge Him, but He seems to favor our quite confidence and faith through the worse of life more.

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